That Question; Desired or Dreaded?

          A few weeks ago, I received a marriage proposal.

          From the first time I began to consider the prospect of marriage as a seven year old, I decided I didn't want a crowd of admirers, I just wanted one man to like me in that way, followed by one proposal, from that one Mr. Right. However, there was always another side of me, some little impish part of me, that was just simmering  for the opportunity to turn down an offer of marriage. Call me callous if you will but I can remember several occasions on which, with much glee, I rehearsed all the crushing words I would say to a suitor whom I found in no way suitable.

        Well, my good readers, a few weeks ago I got the chance, and though I feel slightly guilty for it, I will tell you I thoroughly enjoyed spilling out all those crushing sentences I had saved for that moment. After stomping on every ray of hope in the area that the poor man possessed, I left him with a hypothetically sympathetic smile telling him I hoped he had a good life and that he would forget about me. I say hypothetically because it all happened online. When I say 'it all' I mean just that.

        It started when I got a request from a mysterious fellow to chat on google hangouts. Being extremely curious, and suspecting an advertising stunt, I started talking with him wanting to find out what this person wanted. Well, I was in for a rather humorous surprise. It turned out he had seen my profile picture on google somehow and literally, he had gotten infatuated with me. He said he'd fallen in love with me, that he fantasized over that picture. That his heart was telling him I was the one for him and that he would follow it because it had never misguided him before, according to him.

    At first, as you may expect I was suspicious that he was pulling a gigantic hoax on me. I imagined he'd drunk one too many beers with his friends the night before and made a bet that he could lasso any random girl online. However, as the conversation progressed, I became more and more convinced that the poor fellow was serious, which made the situation humorous on a whole other level. Finally, without even having seen me, he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me. You can only imagine what happened next, my friends. All I can say is, his hopes, if indeed he had any, were sufficiently dashed and I was rolling on the floor with laughter and complete satisfaction.

        This comical event is something I'll retain as funny story for future laughs, perhaps I'll title it:
"The man who fell in love with my picture."

        However, afterwards, the whole affair got me thinking. Coupled with attending a friend's wedding down in Texas, I began wondering what would make me certain when the right man popped the question. How would I know for certain to say yes.

     You see, from an early age I had also made the decision that I would rather not marry at all than marry someone who was not right for me. I've made multiple lists over the course of my teenage years detailing the qualifications for a future husband. This is all good. However, my friends, I realized recently that at the core of all these decisions, lists and commitments is a deep rooted fear of marriage. A huge fear of marrying the wrong man. It started when I was about nine and one of my Aunts broke the knot between herself and her husband. Over the years since then, my other Aunt and one of my Uncles also rescinded their vows of marriage made to their spouses years ago. I have only two Aunts and two Uncles. This meant that the divorce percentage among my immediate family is 75%. These events shook me to the core of my being with regards to my dreams of getting married.

       However, a month ago, this incident returned to haunt me in an even more frightening form when I learned that a Christian couple whom I had known for many years, after ten years of marriage had gotten divorced because it turned out that the husband had been committing adultery the whole time, even, get this, even before their marriage. The incident frightened me even further away from marriage.

There are a lot of things about marriage that scare me, but first and foremost is the fear that:

I would give my whole heart to someone who would give me only a part of his back. 

    "What if that happens to me?"

 I asked God, the night I learned about this. 

     "What if a man completely deceives me and my family? I believe marriage is for a lifetime but what if I commit to someone who doesn't commit back? What if I saved myself completely for one man who didn't save himself completely for me?"

      I don't mean in the case of someone sinning and repenting in his past and being fully committed in the present, I mean someone who wasn't ever fully committed. 

      It frightens me, friends, it truly does.  

      However, this fear could lead to another problem. 

          What if the right man asks and I turn him down because of my fear? 

       Because I realize this has made me want to be absolutely convinced before I tell a man I'll marry him. In the case of my suitor of a few weeks ago. There was no doubt about it, as with anyone else who has been interested in the past. However, I realize that my fear has grown to such a proportion that I might turn a really great man away because of my fearful doubts. 

        But God is good. He has a way of putting our fears to rest when we ask Him. When I related these fears to one friend she pointed out that every relationship is a risk, that yes, we can't know for certain, but, more importantly, the key is that we find our satisfaction in God not in our husbands.

      Because if God is really my hope, then if a man, even my own husband, betrays me, then I can still know that God is there for me. And that, somehow, that horrid husband was for the best. 

   To know that God always does what is best for us even when we don't see it that way, is a comforting thought indeed. 

    It was then that I realized my fear was rooted in the idea that my husband would somehow become my rock of refuge. The idea that I couldn't bear it if he turned out to be a nasty turncoat, meant that my satisfaction in life wasn't coming from God, and that misplaced love had caused me to dread a beautiful thing. It had caused me to look with trepidation on the day when "he" would ask the question. 

          I guess it comes down to where our priorities are, doesn't it? I read one quote recently from a woman who had gotten her priorities straight regarding marriage. When talking about singleness, she said,

                 "I want to be married. I pray to that end every day. I may meet someone and walk down the aisle in the next couple of years because God is so good to me. I may never have another date.....because God is so good to me." 
                                                                          ~ Paige Brown

          What Miss Brown is saying is that no matter what, she knows that God is good so that whether or not she gets married, she knows everything is going to turn out all right. Her trust is in the right place.

         Knowing this hasn't completely curbed my qualms. I can't say that all my fear has fled and I still dream of that day with a good mixture of both desire and dread, just knowing something doesn't make all the feelings go away. However, I do know, that if God is in control of my life and because of that, it will all work out for the best. When the time comes, if it comes, I'll say yes to the right man, not because I trust him completely, but because I trust God completely.
           
      Alright, that's all I have to say, my friends. I thought for this one it would be appropriate to share with you a song reminding us that God gives us peace in every situation. Like He did for me on this issue. He assured me that everything would work out okay in the end. Let me know what you think of my friend's rendition of this particular song, no credit goes to myself who just sang the melody. These friends of mine improvised their own harmonies for the song and, one of them played the piano while she sang. They're simply amazing! 
    
     
    So, do you ever struggle with fear regarding this issue? 
    What do you think about marriage?
    Do you agree that my friends are brilliant?


     Alright, coming soon, I intend to blast some modern systems regarding some things near and dear to my heart which I feel they have abominably twisted.


          Trust God, my friends, Always.

             ~ Christianna