God is My Strength....

          What do you do when you fail yourself? What do you do when the brain that usually solves every problem and cracks every riddle, suddenly comes against an impassable wall?

   Readers, at this point, I am very ready to be done with school. I've got a few more papers to write, which will be relatively simple, but the final big project I have to complete is my capstone, a final large thesis project which is to be the culmination of my two years of study.
    For two weeks or so, I have been thinking, researching, studying, trying to come up with some topic on which I can write a giant thesis paper. Something relevant to my interests and degree. If this were theology, make no mistake, I'd be in fourth heaven, but music, the category in which I have a succinct answer for everything, I've found myself grasping in vain, day after day for some topic which would be suitable which I can complete in twelve weeks with the limited resources, and  people I have at my disposal.

           Today, I found myself getting frustrated to tears over the fact that I couldn't think up a good topic to write on. Usually this is not an issue for me. My brain is teeming with new ideas and concepts which I could research to death, but now, I find myself in a rut that is extremely foreign to me. And it was today I realized that I was trusting in myself and my own limited brain capacity to solve this puzzle. I realized that as a Christian truly walking out my trust in Christ, shouldn't I be relying on Him to provide the answer? Shouldn't I be praying instead of beating myself up because I haven't met my level of perfection?

       Those of you who know me well, know that I'm constantly saying 'sorry' for every little blunder I make. This isn't necessarily to apologize, as many of you have pointed out that it wasn't my fault, but simply as a way to demonstrate how peeved I am over my own mistake. I realize this is just another tentacle of my pride in my own abilities to accomplish.

      It is this that has really hit me recently. I really haven't had to trust God to get me through an intellectual problem so far because I've always felt that my brain has been sufficient to get me through. Of course God grants the thoughts and inspiration every time, but it's easier to credit it to myself when it always comes easily.

        What do I do when I come to the end of myself? There's only one thing I can do. Turn to God.

        How do I do that? I'll confess, I'm not completely certain. What does it mean to rely on God for  our inspiration when we're so used to relying on ourselves or thinking that the ideas God gives us stem from our own cleverness? After years of confusing the two concepts, I guess I'm not sure when I'm trusting myself and when I'm trusting God, but hey, I'm not supposed to have all the answers, right? It's my pride that thinks I need to know it completely before I try which, in itself, rather defeats the purpose, which is to stop focusing on self.

         Even if I don't know it all yet, there is a practical step I shall attempt to implement. I seriously need to stop getting upset over my own inability to find the answers, instead I need to pray. Prayer should be my go to. One of my all time favorite quotes is by Thomas Watson who says, "Prayer is the Christian's gun which he discharges against all his enemies."

       Why is it that we run to google or another person before we run to God? That's something I want to change in my life. If God is my strength, I'll go to Him first. If I really believe that God is the source of all wisdom and knowledge, why not bypass all the ones with limited wisdom and knowledge? God uses people, and ..... google, but He wants our hearts first and foremost and will render google ineffectual if that's what we're trusting in.

       In the end, my friends, I want to do all for the glory of God, and that includes relying on him for everything.


     Alright, lecture concluded. I thought I'd share with you, in light of this resolve of mine, the song I sang to kick off my senior recital. I sang this song at the beginning because I wanted to remind both my listeners, and more importantly myself, that I was singing for God. Let me know what you think. I am so thankful I got introduced to this rather obscure song by Don Hustad.


    So, do any of you all ever struggle with putting way too much trust in your own abilities? What do you do to snap yourself out of it?

        I hope you all had a great celebration of Independence day!

    Until next time.....Oh, by the by, I think God just sent me my thesis topic!

    ~ Christianna