Lone Wolf or Lone Coward?
On the contrary, I'm always on the fringe of the conversation; I'm the girl who doesn't even circle the popular one. I'm the one who stands against the wall, minding her own business and forbidding with her eyes anyone who might contemplate doing something else.
Don't mistake my meaning, this doesn't mean I'm not well liked or that I have some sort of trouble talking with people. Well, okay, we all admit the latter issue is difficult for most of as much of the time. However, I don't think I have any greater problem with it than anyone else. No, my problem is a little different then all that. My problem is one of my own making.
You see, because talking with people took work and wasn't instinctive to my nature, I immediately gave up on it. People were difficult; they were far more difficult than long division and quadratic equations. And I hated not being able to solve things. I used to tell myself, "Well, it's okay. God is supposed to be my best friend anyway; I don't need anybody else."
Over time I grew rather proud of this fact. I didn't need friends like everybody else. I didn't have to stand around and gab with people. I could be happy escaping into a book and movie. And the great things about those was they never hurt your feelings or contradicted you(at least not in a way that you couldn't instantly talk down) like people did. They never made you jealous because their moral character was far nobler than yours. In a book or movie, I could always feel nobler and more righteous than the protagonists.
It was all a lie....
Slowly, over time, my forced isolation dug a hole in my spirit, a deep black, twisty, slimed-up worm hole, eating into my heart. I was lonely and I took it out on God. "You said you would be enough, Lord! I prayed to you, I read the Bible. I did the things I thought I was supposed to be doing. So why do I feel so depressed and alone?"
It was around that time that I learned an interesting thing about myself....my top love language is physical touch. Huh, Ironic isn't it? God gave me, the person who hated being around people, a wiring that needs personal contact with people to feel loved. Touch is a sensitive thing for me: I shy away from the touch of people I don't like because it means so much to me. I wish the people who I do like would keep holding my hand for longer than it takes to make a greeting because it makes me feel valued and appreciated; it satisfies a void in my heart, makes that worm hole feel a little less slimy.
For a while I couldn't reconcile this contradiction.
I needed people, otherwise I starting thinking really silly things and getting extra depressed. But God was supposed to be enough...right?
Right!
You see, of course I knew the passage in Genesis. Every good Christian knows that one: It is not good for man to be alone. Yeah, right, all good, but I wasn't alone, I had God, right?
Wrong!
I suddenly realized what God was trying to tell me when I reflected on that passage in the throes of my despair a couple years ago. Adam walked with God in the cool of the garden; he was perfect, and yet God's solution was not: "Okay Adam, you need to spend a bit more time walking with me in the cool of the day." Nope, He said, "It is not good for man to be alone." And proceeded to make a helper suitable to him: Eve. Another person. A human being! And then (the atrocity) God didn't just say it was good, He said it was very good!
So, here's what I was missing .... this is so exciting guys, which is why I have to share this with you all! You see, God made us with bodies for a reason, he didn't just give us human companionship because "oops, you've got this body that feels certain things." Goodness, no. Our bodies were given by God and are not some sinful projections of a fallen world. When we're resurrected, just so you know, we're not going to be disembodied spirits floating around on clouds (whoever invented that really must have spent too much time by himself!). No, my friends, what God makes is good, and as such, human companionship wasn't just a solution to a problem, it was a gift. It was a gift because it was a mirror of what He Himself had: perfect companionship with equals. I.e. The Trinity. Notice emphasis on equals; people are God's gift to us not just for their own sake, thought that is a part of it, but because they are God's physical manifestations to us here on earth.
Alright, that came out sounding a little new age like. What I mean is that we can't complain that God made us and then runs things from a distance. The most poignant truths I've ever heard, the most helpful things done for me, the times I've felt most deeply God's love for me are not when I'm alone, but when I'm with people, personally. Not over the internet, not a few words in an email, not even a hand-written letter, though, those come the closest because they are so physically based.
Isn't that fascinating? At least for me, God gave me my love language as a way to push me towards Himself. He forced me to see that, the way I was going to get more of Him was to get more of people. Real people, real time spent in the real world, serving others and allowing them to serve me. Listen, I'm not denying the fact that being surrounded by the wrong people is worse than having nobody.
Choose your friends wisely, but make sure you have them. When a friend wants you to sit with her instead of sitting alone, maybe for once it's not about how you would rather sit alone but because she wants your companionship, and wants you to feel loved. Accept the invitation.
It's about dying to yourself and finding the best joy in that.
It's about finding God in the most unlikely of places.
And, as corny as it sounds, it's about seeing His smile and hearing His laugh in the face and voice of a friend.
Because "In as much as you have done it to the least of these my brethren," says the Lord, "You have done it unto me."
For the first time I understand that passage; or at least, understand a particular facet for the first time!
Alright, bravo to you if you read through that lengthy set of musings...it's time for some music!
One of my favorite things to do with people is to dance to my favorite music: Waltzes. Someday, a dream of mine is to dance a Viennese waltz with the love of my life to one of the grand old waltzes I love so dearly. I'm going to share one of my favorites with you now. As you listen to this, grab your sweetheart and swing into a dance, even if you have no idea how to waltz, just make up your own steps, feel the music, and rejoice in the companionship as you laugh at yourselves and each other!
Alright, I'm going to go spend some time with some little people of my acquaintance.
Until we meet again.
~ Christianna