Vintage!

 

     Today is my 25th birthday. I'm now a quarter of a century old, or, as my siblings used to say, vintage. Apparently, twenty-five is the minimum age an item must reach before it can be sold on Etsy if it isn't handmade. That's an old joke...we won't pursue that line of reasoning any further.

         Unlike many of my peers, turning another year older doesn't really bother me. Frankly, like wine and cheese, I think I've gotten better with age, if I am allowed to make such a declaration. However, this morning, making myself a peach tart to console myself over the fact that there would be no birthday celebration on this day for the first time in my life, I caught myself going along a fearfully familiar train of reasoning.

First came the thought, While I'm standing here, rubbing butter into flour I could turn on some music and turn off my thoughts for a bit, that would be nice.

Then came another thought, Or I could stand here and pray, that would be a god way to kick off the day.

But it's my birthday, I'm allowed to indulge myself and do whatever I feel like today. The other voice shot back with frightful ease.

That's when I stopped myself. 

That's the sort of thing we all agree on, nowadays, isn't it? On our birthdays we deserve to kick back and just follow our feelings down whatever fickle freeway they may flee.

(Quick disclaimer, I'm not saying my desire to listen to music was sinful...it was just the heart attitude that was at fault here...just so we're clear. :) )

Since when? 

Since when did we get into this way of thinking that the anniversary of one's birth was the day to be as self-centered as we pleased?

I've often joked to my brothers that they ought to be perfect saints on their birthdays so that no one regrets that they were born.

In all seriousness, though, who should I actually celebrate on my birthday? Myself?

Let's see, what about myself is so special? Well, I have a pretty impressive voice...oh, but wait, I didn't do that. God gave that to me. I never had to even learn to carry a tune.

What else?

Oh, I completed my Bachelor's degree in two years. Surely that's an achievement worth celebrating me for? Um...except, did I actually push myself that much during those two years? Was it an achievement to rank fourteenth of fifteen students in my graduating class? All those times that I told myself I could kick back and relax and didn't push myself, were because I was riding on my God given abilities, not from any virtue I attained. 

What else?

I can play violin...yes, but not super well. If I'd pushed myself more, I could be much farther than I am now. 

Piano...I never practiced enough.

Dance...I'm one of the worse dancers on the floor.

Writing...I still haven't gotten anything ready to publish.

Poetry...sure I've won a couple contests, but, once again, poetry has always been a spontaneous output...I haven't worked that hard at it.

Yes, I'm in Scotland, studying for a masters, but God opened all the doors for that. I actually didn't do that much.

You see where this line of reasoning goes?

Yes, I know what you're going to say, I've heard it all before,"You're being too hard on yourself, Christianna. You've actually done a lot, and you're such a great person, you just don't see it."

Alright, maybe that's true, but whose achievement is that?

Certainly not through Herculean effort on my part. 

You see, if I try to celebrate myself, and am being honest, I'm always going to see where I've fallen short. That's the nature of the thing. People who can't recognize how far they have to go, or refuse to do so, never get anywhere, and those who do recognize it, if they choose to focus on it, are going to be the most depressed people in the world.

The world's philosophy teaches us to turn a blind eye to our faults, to love ourselves, to see the best in ourselves, to celebrate all our petty triumphs like they're worth something. The problem with this, is that to actually love ourselves for ourselves is to either be dishonest with ourselves about who we really are, or to love sin, and failure, and shortcomings. 

Neither option is desirable.

There is really only one solution; one thing I can do on this, my special day: Focus on someone else.

       One of my favourite hymns, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" is known mostly by its chorus. Few people are familiar with the verses, which, to me, are the best part.

The first verse, especially, sums up my realization on this matter:

       So, today, on this, my special day, I'm going to celebrate Christ and all the beautiful, true things He's surrounded me with. I'm going to fix my gaze on Him with the desire that the things of this earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

      

        Glory To Christ, First and Above All!

               ~ Christianna